day two hundred and twenty six

Ah well... here we are. My last Sunday night. Feeling a bit shattered today but here goes.

The best part of the blogging has been the Sunday nights. Looking forward to the upcoming week, planning, I've liked it a great deal. This is the first Sunday night where I'm thinking backward instead of forward. The reflective mood continues.

I've been thinking about change alot recently . Not just the physical manifestations of the changes I've made (but woot woot about those fer sure) but what , if any , changes have happened inside me. It's possible I'm too close to the process right now but I don't think I've changed very much at all. I've changed the things I do but not the person I am . Some of you may not know this but a long time ago I lost a great deal of weight. It was 20 years ago and I lost 60 pounds. In the succeeding years I put about 30 back on, which actually puts me at the head of the class as far as that annoying statistic about weight gain and loss goes. It was a slow creep those 30 pounds coming back with the last ten arriving within the last 2 or 3 years. Anyway, I remember at the time somebody asking me what caused me to lose the weight. Had I finally hit rock bottom and needed to make a change?  Without hesitation I replied, "No. You can't do something right for yourself from rock bottom. You have to finally think that you're worth something to make the change". I thought then, and still think, that you need to be in a place where you've forgiven yourself and you come to the realization that you don't deserve to be ill-treated anymore. All that time I was "protecting" myself with food I was really harming myself. I gave the food too much power over me. Layers of fat can certainly insulate one but it cuts you off from the wrong things. It's ok to feel sad, bored, lonely but it's not ok to cover up those feelings with massive doses of Oreos. At least it's not ok for me.

This blog has been difficult to write because I am, by nature, a very private person. Oh, I'll talk your ear off about anything under the sun as long as it doesn't get down to the me, the me that I don't like folks to look at very long. I was unwilling to share some of the stuff I felt with people I don't know real well. Well, I figure that's a trust issue and since I'm almost done the blog looks like I don't give a rat's ass anymore... in a good way:)

My relationship to food has, indeed, been dysfunctional. I think it always will be. I'm never going to be that person who puts no moral value judgement on ice cream. It will always be me vs the food. I'm ok with that cuz I guess that knowledge will give me the upper hand as I continue on.

Have I changed? Not really. I still worry that I'll bore the hell out of people. That I'm just a half step out of sync with those around me. I know that deep in me I try every day to be the best kind of person I know how to be. That might be trite but it's sincere. I know the worst thing that can happen to me is to stop growing and learning and hoping.

Hope is the thing with feathers...