day two hundred and thirty

Well... this is it. I made it.

When I wake up tomorrow I'll be 50 years old. Just need to take a minute to process that sentence. OK... i got it :) Tonight I did my last workout as a person in my 40's. EJ was aware of this and decided to work the livin' daylights out of me. It was great. No qualifiers or snarky comments. It was just plain great. Partly because I know the things that he had me do would have been impossible when we started together. I had my assessment with Leslie and the measuring tape doesn't lie. Since I've started I've lost a total of 15 inches. Feelin' pretty chuffed with myself.

Today was full of thinking. Thinking about the Project and all that it means to me. I went to visit my dad today just to be near him. I talk to my dad alot and don't need to be in the cemetery to do it, but it seemed important today. Side note before this becomes too maudlin: there's a gravestone near my dad's that has about the coolest epitaph ever -  "don't think it ain't been swell". That one makes me smile every time. Anyway, I just went to hang out and enjoy the peace. My last two birthdays without my dad were bad enough but this one feels especially hurtful. I know, as I have always known that he's proud of me but I don't think the feeling of needing to see them again ever goes away. I miss him daily but I know he gave me the tools to make my own way with integrity and honour and I'm so very grateful for that.

The Project started as a whim kind of idea that blossomed into something real. Part of the reason that happened is because kind people believed I could do it. I said at the beginning that accountability was the driving force behind this blog. Little did I know that the support from so many dear friends would become the real story. Sometimes I feel troubled that I'm single.Kind of ripped off on occasion. On the other hand I know people who are in relationships that don't have the remarkable support system that I do. I've been given the opportunity to open up my field of vision as well as my arms to all kinds of crazy good people. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if I was all "settled down". I'll defer to Sinead O'Connor here and say I do not want what I haven't got. While that's not exactly true I'm damned grateful for what I do have :)

My ticker will change as time beats on. I've learned important things about taking care of myself properly inside and out. I'll continue to try my best. For those of you who stuck it out and read these ramblings I just want to say thanks. It became an endurance test at points, this writing every day but every time somebody said they read it my heart jumped up a little bit. So that's what I mean to say... thanks for making my heart jump up.

I'm at the finish and I don't know how to finish this post. I'll tell you that there are tears. Tears but no sorrow.
So I'm gonna say goodnight. Who am I kidding? I'll be keeping this blog... maybe not as religiously so if yer bored, stop in...

ttyl