day two hundred and nineteen

Here we are at the penultimate Sunday. Jeepers.

On this Sunday night I wonder what the Sunday night 2 weeks from now will be like. The frenzy of the Cactus Festival will have wound down and the Project will have been two days completed. I wonder what it's going to be like to be 50. I feel stronger and healthier but there can be no denying that 50 is an absolute demarcation. It's the line in the sand that seemed very far away not too long ago and now it's rushing up to meet me. Tried to talk to Clare Louise about this a little but unfortunately it seemed like the conversation might have veered into being about someone else so that didn't go real well. Her response... "Well how do you think I feel, I'm going to be 80 next year". Not the help I was looking for. *shrug*

Although I regret very little about my life these "big" birthdays none-the-less give me little twinges. At 40 it seemed like I might still have kids, at 50 that's gone. I worry that there won't be anybody left to remember me the way I remember my dad. My dad pops up in my mind very often these days. I've said before I think (know ) he'd be very proud of the Project. He'd find the humour in it, and read it every day. I miss him alot.

I'm awfully lucky and I think I have a great life. The twinges of sadness are just that : twinges. I guess, for me, recognizing what I don't have makes me appreciate what I do. It seems disingenuous to complain about a life so very full of remarkable people. Many years ago I said, " if I'm not going to have an ordinary life, I better try to have an extraordinary one".  This Sunday night I'm going to try to remember that sentiment and carry it around with me more.

Have a wicked week everybody.