Where did it go? I always think of my birthday as the end of summer but, holy crap... this one just flew by. I think because it took forever to get here... remember that hideous April/May?
Still feeling pretty good post Project. I was a tad worried that I'd lose my focus and just turn into a crazy person eating - wise but it turns out I'm pretty even keeled. That said... I'm looking VERY forward to the Ticat game on Monday and all bets are definitely off. Hoping to get fairly stinky drunk :) Always have a plan!
A super cranky man called me on the phone today at work to ask for a "charity" donation then proceeded to ream me out when I told him I couldn't. This guy totally went off on me and I'm not exaggerating when I say it ruined my whole day. I'm just now coming out of it. Gosh, people can be shitty.
I posted a picture of myself on FB to show friend Kate my new blonde hair but what I wasn't expecting was the response from people. People who haven't seen me in a while. Tres gratifying :)
Well, that enough for tonight's little pop in. Stay well out there...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Jack Layton's funeral
I had to work today but I watched most of the ceremony live streamed on my computer in the office. This was prob'ly a mistake. I was in floods for most of it and not of much use to anybody.
I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Layton and was heartened to see the outpouring of emotion from all over Canada. We don't usually do this big, noisy collective grief thing as a rule but I understand the urge. You admired him as a public figure, as a courageous battler against cancer that has taken so many that I don't know of anyone who hasn't been touched by it. You admired him, even if you disagreed with him cuz it seemed true. His passion for what he believed never seemed convenient or wishy- washy. I feel the heartbreak of bringing that party, my party really, right up to the table but cruelly being denied the chance to sit down to dinner.
I have believed for a long time that Jack Layton was a scrappy version of Stephen Lewis. I thought Mr.Lewis' eulogy was as close to perfection as you get. It was rousing, and thought provoking and in your face and touching. My heart went out to Mr. Layton's kids cuz I remember standing there thinking : "here's what I want the world to know about my dad". It was the most difficult and at the same time most rewarding bit of speechifying I've ever done. People later asked me how I didn't break down and I just said: " it was for dad and he'd want me to do good". I thought Jack's kids did good.
We'll go back to the politics "business as usual" and this new NDP will make a heap of mistakes, and look foolish and sometimes get it right. The only hope is that a Stephen (or David for you old timers)Lewis or a Jack Layton will emerge to continue to fight the good fight.
Thank you Mr. Layton for your years of public service. It's time to rest now.
I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Layton and was heartened to see the outpouring of emotion from all over Canada. We don't usually do this big, noisy collective grief thing as a rule but I understand the urge. You admired him as a public figure, as a courageous battler against cancer that has taken so many that I don't know of anyone who hasn't been touched by it. You admired him, even if you disagreed with him cuz it seemed true. His passion for what he believed never seemed convenient or wishy- washy. I feel the heartbreak of bringing that party, my party really, right up to the table but cruelly being denied the chance to sit down to dinner.
I have believed for a long time that Jack Layton was a scrappy version of Stephen Lewis. I thought Mr.Lewis' eulogy was as close to perfection as you get. It was rousing, and thought provoking and in your face and touching. My heart went out to Mr. Layton's kids cuz I remember standing there thinking : "here's what I want the world to know about my dad". It was the most difficult and at the same time most rewarding bit of speechifying I've ever done. People later asked me how I didn't break down and I just said: " it was for dad and he'd want me to do good". I thought Jack's kids did good.
We'll go back to the politics "business as usual" and this new NDP will make a heap of mistakes, and look foolish and sometimes get it right. The only hope is that a Stephen (or David for you old timers)Lewis or a Jack Layton will emerge to continue to fight the good fight.
Thank you Mr. Layton for your years of public service. It's time to rest now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
back to it
All the paperwork is done and this year's Cactus Fest is a distant memory. I'm some tired but there's a day off looming...
As you can tell by the ticker my weight hasn't budged. I'm making a wee change in the hopes of changing that. The website I use for tracking allots me 1250 cals. per day. That works out to a theoretical loss of 1 lb per week. I've decided to lower that to 1/2 lb a week which allots 1470/ day. I figure a few more of the healthy nutrients goin' in can only help the cause. I was pretty focused towards the end there but as usual the stress of the last couple weeks caused me to under eat. I'm hoping that by jumping back in with both feet food-wise I can shake something loose. Namely a few pounds :)
Still not used to being blonde and CERTAINLY not used to people shouting out "hey blondie". Really? Well I guess it's a slight improvement over "carrot top" which I was forced to put up with in my formative years.
It felt weird to take a couple of days off from the blogging. I think "intermittent" would be the best way to describe it now :) Some things don't change tho... still just blathering ...
ttyl
As you can tell by the ticker my weight hasn't budged. I'm making a wee change in the hopes of changing that. The website I use for tracking allots me 1250 cals. per day. That works out to a theoretical loss of 1 lb per week. I've decided to lower that to 1/2 lb a week which allots 1470/ day. I figure a few more of the healthy nutrients goin' in can only help the cause. I was pretty focused towards the end there but as usual the stress of the last couple weeks caused me to under eat. I'm hoping that by jumping back in with both feet food-wise I can shake something loose. Namely a few pounds :)
Still not used to being blonde and CERTAINLY not used to people shouting out "hey blondie". Really? Well I guess it's a slight improvement over "carrot top" which I was forced to put up with in my formative years.
It felt weird to take a couple of days off from the blogging. I think "intermittent" would be the best way to describe it now :) Some things don't change tho... still just blathering ...
ttyl
Saturday, August 20, 2011
day one ? or where do I go from here...
Yesterday I celebrated with a most excellent group of friends. A very fun birthday :) Part of the fun was not having people recognize me with the new hair colour! Even my own mom...
Speaking of mom, she was being a bit of a trial last night. Pretty much par for the course. One of my friends saw that it was really getting to me and she said: "Cath, let it go - don't make this the hill you die on". What a fantastic way to put it. Immediately things got clearer and easier. God, it's cool to have smart friends.
Ah... where do I go from here? Does there need to be a next big thing , or can I just quietly follow the pursuits I have enjoyed this tremendous year. I think some time off might be warranted. This is really the first birthday I can remember where I haven't thought ok, this year I'm going to dot, dot, dot. I've done all the dot, dot, dots I set out to. I'm sure some overwhelming urge to do something will pop unbidden into my head but for right now I think a little "stay the course" is in order.
Here's a funny... even if you don't read the horoscope I'm gonna bet you pick it up on your birthday. You know the one: if today is your birthday blah blah blah. So I look at mine yesterday and amid all the other stuff it says, you may want to change your approach to diet and exercise. Well Hamilton Spectator syndicated horoscope column... you are day late and a dollar short :)
Speaking of mom, she was being a bit of a trial last night. Pretty much par for the course. One of my friends saw that it was really getting to me and she said: "Cath, let it go - don't make this the hill you die on". What a fantastic way to put it. Immediately things got clearer and easier. God, it's cool to have smart friends.
Ah... where do I go from here? Does there need to be a next big thing , or can I just quietly follow the pursuits I have enjoyed this tremendous year. I think some time off might be warranted. This is really the first birthday I can remember where I haven't thought ok, this year I'm going to dot, dot, dot. I've done all the dot, dot, dots I set out to. I'm sure some overwhelming urge to do something will pop unbidden into my head but for right now I think a little "stay the course" is in order.
Here's a funny... even if you don't read the horoscope I'm gonna bet you pick it up on your birthday. You know the one: if today is your birthday blah blah blah. So I look at mine yesterday and amid all the other stuff it says, you may want to change your approach to diet and exercise. Well Hamilton Spectator syndicated horoscope column... you are day late and a dollar short :)
Thursday, August 18, 2011
day two hundred and thirty
Well... this is it. I made it.
When I wake up tomorrow I'll be 50 years old. Just need to take a minute to process that sentence. OK... i got it :) Tonight I did my last workout as a person in my 40's. EJ was aware of this and decided to work the livin' daylights out of me. It was great. No qualifiers or snarky comments. It was just plain great. Partly because I know the things that he had me do would have been impossible when we started together. I had my assessment with Leslie and the measuring tape doesn't lie. Since I've started I've lost a total of 15 inches. Feelin' pretty chuffed with myself.
Today was full of thinking. Thinking about the Project and all that it means to me. I went to visit my dad today just to be near him. I talk to my dad alot and don't need to be in the cemetery to do it, but it seemed important today. Side note before this becomes too maudlin: there's a gravestone near my dad's that has about the coolest epitaph ever - "don't think it ain't been swell". That one makes me smile every time. Anyway, I just went to hang out and enjoy the peace. My last two birthdays without my dad were bad enough but this one feels especially hurtful. I know, as I have always known that he's proud of me but I don't think the feeling of needing to see them again ever goes away. I miss him daily but I know he gave me the tools to make my own way with integrity and honour and I'm so very grateful for that.
The Project started as a whim kind of idea that blossomed into something real. Part of the reason that happened is because kind people believed I could do it. I said at the beginning that accountability was the driving force behind this blog. Little did I know that the support from so many dear friends would become the real story. Sometimes I feel troubled that I'm single.Kind of ripped off on occasion. On the other hand I know people who are in relationships that don't have the remarkable support system that I do. I've been given the opportunity to open up my field of vision as well as my arms to all kinds of crazy good people. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if I was all "settled down". I'll defer to Sinead O'Connor here and say I do not want what I haven't got. While that's not exactly true I'm damned grateful for what I do have :)
My ticker will change as time beats on. I've learned important things about taking care of myself properly inside and out. I'll continue to try my best. For those of you who stuck it out and read these ramblings I just want to say thanks. It became an endurance test at points, this writing every day but every time somebody said they read it my heart jumped up a little bit. So that's what I mean to say... thanks for making my heart jump up.
I'm at the finish and I don't know how to finish this post. I'll tell you that there are tears. Tears but no sorrow.
So I'm gonna say goodnight. Who am I kidding? I'll be keeping this blog... maybe not as religiously so if yer bored, stop in...
ttyl
When I wake up tomorrow I'll be 50 years old. Just need to take a minute to process that sentence. OK... i got it :) Tonight I did my last workout as a person in my 40's. EJ was aware of this and decided to work the livin' daylights out of me. It was great. No qualifiers or snarky comments. It was just plain great. Partly because I know the things that he had me do would have been impossible when we started together. I had my assessment with Leslie and the measuring tape doesn't lie. Since I've started I've lost a total of 15 inches. Feelin' pretty chuffed with myself.
Today was full of thinking. Thinking about the Project and all that it means to me. I went to visit my dad today just to be near him. I talk to my dad alot and don't need to be in the cemetery to do it, but it seemed important today. Side note before this becomes too maudlin: there's a gravestone near my dad's that has about the coolest epitaph ever - "don't think it ain't been swell". That one makes me smile every time. Anyway, I just went to hang out and enjoy the peace. My last two birthdays without my dad were bad enough but this one feels especially hurtful. I know, as I have always known that he's proud of me but I don't think the feeling of needing to see them again ever goes away. I miss him daily but I know he gave me the tools to make my own way with integrity and honour and I'm so very grateful for that.
The Project started as a whim kind of idea that blossomed into something real. Part of the reason that happened is because kind people believed I could do it. I said at the beginning that accountability was the driving force behind this blog. Little did I know that the support from so many dear friends would become the real story. Sometimes I feel troubled that I'm single.Kind of ripped off on occasion. On the other hand I know people who are in relationships that don't have the remarkable support system that I do. I've been given the opportunity to open up my field of vision as well as my arms to all kinds of crazy good people. Maybe that wouldn't be the case if I was all "settled down". I'll defer to Sinead O'Connor here and say I do not want what I haven't got. While that's not exactly true I'm damned grateful for what I do have :)
My ticker will change as time beats on. I've learned important things about taking care of myself properly inside and out. I'll continue to try my best. For those of you who stuck it out and read these ramblings I just want to say thanks. It became an endurance test at points, this writing every day but every time somebody said they read it my heart jumped up a little bit. So that's what I mean to say... thanks for making my heart jump up.
I'm at the finish and I don't know how to finish this post. I'll tell you that there are tears. Tears but no sorrow.
So I'm gonna say goodnight. Who am I kidding? I'll be keeping this blog... maybe not as religiously so if yer bored, stop in...
ttyl
day two hundred and twenty nine
A most excellent day on the golf course. Glorious weather and I was striking the ball just about as well as I ever had. Some days life is just plain good.
... goodness, I went for a wee break on the couch and now it's 8:30 in the morning. I guess the day took more out of me than I thought :)
Sunshine accompanies my last couple of Project days which is just right. I'm feeling pretty awesome and sunshiney. This Project has been the nicest thing I could have done for myself. I really can't think of a better way to spend eight months. I'm feeling fit and healthy and just plain happy. So many "good todays" strung together and I'm feeling blessed.
Gonna scoot and get on with my day... so much to do :) Ain't it grand !!
... goodness, I went for a wee break on the couch and now it's 8:30 in the morning. I guess the day took more out of me than I thought :)
Sunshine accompanies my last couple of Project days which is just right. I'm feeling pretty awesome and sunshiney. This Project has been the nicest thing I could have done for myself. I really can't think of a better way to spend eight months. I'm feeling fit and healthy and just plain happy. So many "good todays" strung together and I'm feeling blessed.
Gonna scoot and get on with my day... so much to do :) Ain't it grand !!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
day two hundred and twenty eight
My mini- makeover today was a tremendous success. Yes people, I'm not just blonde, I'm uber blonde. LOVE IT !!! It was a great deal of fun watch the whole process. It was pretty spur of the moment. Started out in the chair with just some lazy talk about how I wanted something completely different and presto... two and a half hours later - I had it.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was contemplating shaving my head. I got this idea that I just wanted to make a fresh start to honour the big b-day. I will admit that I'm glad cooler heads prevailed . I imagine in a couple of days I'll be used to this but right now I honestly feel like a different person. Catching sight of myself in a mirror is odd. Fun, but odd :)
Two days off now then it's Friday and my birthday and the Project is done. It has all come so quickly and awfully slowly at the same time. Off to a golf tournament tomorrow then odds and sods on Thursday. Friday is the start of the Festival then it's just hang on for dear life.
3...2...1...
ttyl :)
Just a couple of weeks ago I was contemplating shaving my head. I got this idea that I just wanted to make a fresh start to honour the big b-day. I will admit that I'm glad cooler heads prevailed . I imagine in a couple of days I'll be used to this but right now I honestly feel like a different person. Catching sight of myself in a mirror is odd. Fun, but odd :)
Two days off now then it's Friday and my birthday and the Project is done. It has all come so quickly and awfully slowly at the same time. Off to a golf tournament tomorrow then odds and sods on Thursday. Friday is the start of the Festival then it's just hang on for dear life.
3...2...1...
ttyl :)
Monday, August 15, 2011
day two hundred and twenty seven
or day one of festival prep. *arghh*
Not much on the Project front tonight. I was so consumed today with all things Cactus Festival that I really haven't had time for any independent thought. The festivals come and they're always a crazy success but holy crap there's alot of "pre" work that goes into them.
I just want to have it on the record that I think Mother Nature is a crazy vengeful bitch. Make of that what you will...
I'm v. excited for my mini- makeover tomorrow. Finally the cut and colour I've been so sorely needing. It will be fun to have kicky hair again. I thought I might have the patience to grow my hair but the heat this summer convinced me otherwise. It may turn out to be a winter project... don't worry I won't keep a blog about it :)
A fairly good start to the last week of the Project but I'm missing the exercise element. Better not lose perspective on that... maybe I'll be able to get out for a lovely bike ride this week. Or at the very least some basement treadmilling. Meeting with EJ on Thurs. and also having my assessment. *gulp* I console myself with the fact that it will never be as horrible as it was the first time :)
Hope yer week started out just the way you needed it to !
Not much on the Project front tonight. I was so consumed today with all things Cactus Festival that I really haven't had time for any independent thought. The festivals come and they're always a crazy success but holy crap there's alot of "pre" work that goes into them.
I just want to have it on the record that I think Mother Nature is a crazy vengeful bitch. Make of that what you will...
I'm v. excited for my mini- makeover tomorrow. Finally the cut and colour I've been so sorely needing. It will be fun to have kicky hair again. I thought I might have the patience to grow my hair but the heat this summer convinced me otherwise. It may turn out to be a winter project... don't worry I won't keep a blog about it :)
A fairly good start to the last week of the Project but I'm missing the exercise element. Better not lose perspective on that... maybe I'll be able to get out for a lovely bike ride this week. Or at the very least some basement treadmilling. Meeting with EJ on Thurs. and also having my assessment. *gulp* I console myself with the fact that it will never be as horrible as it was the first time :)
Hope yer week started out just the way you needed it to !
Sunday, August 14, 2011
day two hundred and twenty six
Ah well... here we are. My last Sunday night. Feeling a bit shattered today but here goes.
The best part of the blogging has been the Sunday nights. Looking forward to the upcoming week, planning, I've liked it a great deal. This is the first Sunday night where I'm thinking backward instead of forward. The reflective mood continues.
I've been thinking about change alot recently . Not just the physical manifestations of the changes I've made (but woot woot about those fer sure) but what , if any , changes have happened inside me. It's possible I'm too close to the process right now but I don't think I've changed very much at all. I've changed the things I do but not the person I am . Some of you may not know this but a long time ago I lost a great deal of weight. It was 20 years ago and I lost 60 pounds. In the succeeding years I put about 30 back on, which actually puts me at the head of the class as far as that annoying statistic about weight gain and loss goes. It was a slow creep those 30 pounds coming back with the last ten arriving within the last 2 or 3 years. Anyway, I remember at the time somebody asking me what caused me to lose the weight. Had I finally hit rock bottom and needed to make a change? Without hesitation I replied, "No. You can't do something right for yourself from rock bottom. You have to finally think that you're worth something to make the change". I thought then, and still think, that you need to be in a place where you've forgiven yourself and you come to the realization that you don't deserve to be ill-treated anymore. All that time I was "protecting" myself with food I was really harming myself. I gave the food too much power over me. Layers of fat can certainly insulate one but it cuts you off from the wrong things. It's ok to feel sad, bored, lonely but it's not ok to cover up those feelings with massive doses of Oreos. At least it's not ok for me.
This blog has been difficult to write because I am, by nature, a very private person. Oh, I'll talk your ear off about anything under the sun as long as it doesn't get down to the me, the me that I don't like folks to look at very long. I was unwilling to share some of the stuff I felt with people I don't know real well. Well, I figure that's a trust issue and since I'm almost done the blog looks like I don't give a rat's ass anymore... in a good way:)
My relationship to food has, indeed, been dysfunctional. I think it always will be. I'm never going to be that person who puts no moral value judgement on ice cream. It will always be me vs the food. I'm ok with that cuz I guess that knowledge will give me the upper hand as I continue on.
Have I changed? Not really. I still worry that I'll bore the hell out of people. That I'm just a half step out of sync with those around me. I know that deep in me I try every day to be the best kind of person I know how to be. That might be trite but it's sincere. I know the worst thing that can happen to me is to stop growing and learning and hoping.
Hope is the thing with feathers...
The best part of the blogging has been the Sunday nights. Looking forward to the upcoming week, planning, I've liked it a great deal. This is the first Sunday night where I'm thinking backward instead of forward. The reflective mood continues.
I've been thinking about change alot recently . Not just the physical manifestations of the changes I've made (but woot woot about those fer sure) but what , if any , changes have happened inside me. It's possible I'm too close to the process right now but I don't think I've changed very much at all. I've changed the things I do but not the person I am . Some of you may not know this but a long time ago I lost a great deal of weight. It was 20 years ago and I lost 60 pounds. In the succeeding years I put about 30 back on, which actually puts me at the head of the class as far as that annoying statistic about weight gain and loss goes. It was a slow creep those 30 pounds coming back with the last ten arriving within the last 2 or 3 years. Anyway, I remember at the time somebody asking me what caused me to lose the weight. Had I finally hit rock bottom and needed to make a change? Without hesitation I replied, "No. You can't do something right for yourself from rock bottom. You have to finally think that you're worth something to make the change". I thought then, and still think, that you need to be in a place where you've forgiven yourself and you come to the realization that you don't deserve to be ill-treated anymore. All that time I was "protecting" myself with food I was really harming myself. I gave the food too much power over me. Layers of fat can certainly insulate one but it cuts you off from the wrong things. It's ok to feel sad, bored, lonely but it's not ok to cover up those feelings with massive doses of Oreos. At least it's not ok for me.
This blog has been difficult to write because I am, by nature, a very private person. Oh, I'll talk your ear off about anything under the sun as long as it doesn't get down to the me, the me that I don't like folks to look at very long. I was unwilling to share some of the stuff I felt with people I don't know real well. Well, I figure that's a trust issue and since I'm almost done the blog looks like I don't give a rat's ass anymore... in a good way:)
My relationship to food has, indeed, been dysfunctional. I think it always will be. I'm never going to be that person who puts no moral value judgement on ice cream. It will always be me vs the food. I'm ok with that cuz I guess that knowledge will give me the upper hand as I continue on.
Have I changed? Not really. I still worry that I'll bore the hell out of people. That I'm just a half step out of sync with those around me. I know that deep in me I try every day to be the best kind of person I know how to be. That might be trite but it's sincere. I know the worst thing that can happen to me is to stop growing and learning and hoping.
Hope is the thing with feathers...
day two hundred and twenty five
I've left this too long tonight and now I'm super tired. Either that or the 3 beers at the Ticat game. These fellas have got to stop with the squeakers... they're killing me.
I'm honestly going to be short and sweet tonight cuz I got nothin'.
These are the worst nights to write cuz I can sit at this keyboard for ever and nothing pops into my head. Drat... nothing
tty tomorrow :)
I'm honestly going to be short and sweet tonight cuz I got nothin'.
These are the worst nights to write cuz I can sit at this keyboard for ever and nothing pops into my head. Drat... nothing
tty tomorrow :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
day two hundred and twenty four
Next Friday... how fast it rushes up to me... *blah*
In the waning days of the Project certain things from the start of the Project flash in my mind. Like, how when I started to tell people my idea mostly their eyebrows shot straight up. Straight up. Then they re-arranged their faces and immediately became supportive. The random guy in the restaurant who insisted; "there's no fuckin' way you'll be able to do that". Well, he was right. I didn't do it. And he was so wrong. I did something bigger, that will last me longer. Funny thing is - he'd be the guy who'd say "see, I was right".
I feel a bit like I've turned my back on the old me. Like I'm saying... see, you really WEREN'T good enough. Hey, old me... you were always good enough. I'm not "better" now I'm just different.
It's odd to me that I haven't read any of this blog except to preview and publish each night. I'm looking forward to sitting down and going through the whole thing. I wonder what it'll be like. There's a cool thing called blog2print that will print and bind your blog. Just like a regular book. I'm gonna get that. This record of whatever this has been deserves it.
In the waning days of the Project certain things from the start of the Project flash in my mind. Like, how when I started to tell people my idea mostly their eyebrows shot straight up. Straight up. Then they re-arranged their faces and immediately became supportive. The random guy in the restaurant who insisted; "there's no fuckin' way you'll be able to do that". Well, he was right. I didn't do it. And he was so wrong. I did something bigger, that will last me longer. Funny thing is - he'd be the guy who'd say "see, I was right".
I feel a bit like I've turned my back on the old me. Like I'm saying... see, you really WEREN'T good enough. Hey, old me... you were always good enough. I'm not "better" now I'm just different.
It's odd to me that I haven't read any of this blog except to preview and publish each night. I'm looking forward to sitting down and going through the whole thing. I wonder what it'll be like. There's a cool thing called blog2print that will print and bind your blog. Just like a regular book. I'm gonna get that. This record of whatever this has been deserves it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
day two hundred and twenty three
From a super packed day yesterday to a nice quiet today. Lovely.
Had a wonderful lunch with friend Heather at the Thai. It's our preferred lunch spot and the food is wicked. I've been eating out more than normal lately but the great thing is the places chosen really make it easy to make smart decisions.
Back to work tomorrow to start a 5 day stint that will end with 2 days off then the craziness of Cactus Festival. The actual Festival part is really pretty easy... it's the getting there that's tough.
Apparently my brain is working in short, sharp shocks tonight. There's alot going on in the old noodle but it's hard to express it. This is when I wish I was better at this writing thing. I'm not exactly feeling melancholy... more wistful I think. Everything seems to be a bit gauzy around the edges. I know, for certain, that I'm waaaay more sentimental than usual right now. Every kind word or gesture from a friend seems to pierce me. It's like my feelings for everything and everyone are real close to the surface. I wonder how I came to here and how I got so lucky. Just writing about this now makes me well up with gratitude. It's like , just for now, I've lost the ability to be cynical. I know that none of this makes sense but it makes sense in my head.
I guess I'm saying for the next eight days if you see me and smile at me don't be surprised if I burst into tears. Don't be scared just smile and nod :) One week left on the Project and I think it's gonna be a helluva ride...
Had a wonderful lunch with friend Heather at the Thai. It's our preferred lunch spot and the food is wicked. I've been eating out more than normal lately but the great thing is the places chosen really make it easy to make smart decisions.
Back to work tomorrow to start a 5 day stint that will end with 2 days off then the craziness of Cactus Festival. The actual Festival part is really pretty easy... it's the getting there that's tough.
Apparently my brain is working in short, sharp shocks tonight. There's alot going on in the old noodle but it's hard to express it. This is when I wish I was better at this writing thing. I'm not exactly feeling melancholy... more wistful I think. Everything seems to be a bit gauzy around the edges. I know, for certain, that I'm waaaay more sentimental than usual right now. Every kind word or gesture from a friend seems to pierce me. It's like my feelings for everything and everyone are real close to the surface. I wonder how I came to here and how I got so lucky. Just writing about this now makes me well up with gratitude. It's like , just for now, I've lost the ability to be cynical. I know that none of this makes sense but it makes sense in my head.
I guess I'm saying for the next eight days if you see me and smile at me don't be surprised if I burst into tears. Don't be scared just smile and nod :) One week left on the Project and I think it's gonna be a helluva ride...
day two hundred and twenty two
Some days you get lucky. There's the waking up in the morning with nothing special planned and suddenly this wicked day unfolds around you.
Off to Main Cycle to pick up my new bike. Love, love, LOVE my new bike. The Giant it's called so it's really the oxymoron of bikes. It's little... certainly just the right size for me but little. I had forgotten the adrenaline rush of riding around the city on a bike. Close calls aplenty and I had a wicked time.
Next training with Evil Jonny. We're coming to the end of our relationship. Only two more sessions left. I'm not sure why I'm going to miss him but I think I will. He's so far outside of my experience and yet he's like the most delightful puppy. Good training tonight but after a two hour bike ride... I was done.
Do I still have the strength to lift a fork to my mouth? Thankfully yes. A friend called for a spur of the moment "let's go out for dinner". Holy crap... FANTASTIC. If you have the chance, I highly recommend The Alex in Burlington. The food was stupid good. Small plates so there was alot of mixing and matching and just about everything was superb. I'm going to weigh in especially for the scallops and green beans and the mango slaw. Crazy good. As always the best part of a great meal is the company so the evening was pretty much perfect.
Such a whirlwind day from such inauspicious beginnings. Days like this make me wonder ; "hey what could happen tomorrow?" Not knowing is part of the fun :)
Off to Main Cycle to pick up my new bike. Love, love, LOVE my new bike. The Giant it's called so it's really the oxymoron of bikes. It's little... certainly just the right size for me but little. I had forgotten the adrenaline rush of riding around the city on a bike. Close calls aplenty and I had a wicked time.
Next training with Evil Jonny. We're coming to the end of our relationship. Only two more sessions left. I'm not sure why I'm going to miss him but I think I will. He's so far outside of my experience and yet he's like the most delightful puppy. Good training tonight but after a two hour bike ride... I was done.
Do I still have the strength to lift a fork to my mouth? Thankfully yes. A friend called for a spur of the moment "let's go out for dinner". Holy crap... FANTASTIC. If you have the chance, I highly recommend The Alex in Burlington. The food was stupid good. Small plates so there was alot of mixing and matching and just about everything was superb. I'm going to weigh in especially for the scallops and green beans and the mango slaw. Crazy good. As always the best part of a great meal is the company so the evening was pretty much perfect.
Such a whirlwind day from such inauspicious beginnings. Days like this make me wonder ; "hey what could happen tomorrow?" Not knowing is part of the fun :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
day two hundred and twenty one
Bought myself a birthday present today. Oh yeah... I am going to be fabulous on my new bicycle!!! I've been wanting one for the longest time and the idea of going to the gym to ride one just makes me groan. Speaking of which I'll be going there tomorrow for a session with E Jonny. Kind of looking forward to it (what??)
Closed tonight so I'm kind of slow and stupid. How was it so busy on an effin' Tuesday night? Cactus Festival is bearing down on us like the freight train it always is. All the beer comes tomorrow... sooooo glad I'm off. I'm going to pick up my new bike... did I mention I have a new bike?
I'm going to sleep now cuz it's like 4:30 in the morning and my brain is turning to mush. Mush I tells ya !! Maybe I'll have something witty and clever to say tomorrow; now... not a chance.
Nighty, night :)
Closed tonight so I'm kind of slow and stupid. How was it so busy on an effin' Tuesday night? Cactus Festival is bearing down on us like the freight train it always is. All the beer comes tomorrow... sooooo glad I'm off. I'm going to pick up my new bike... did I mention I have a new bike?
I'm going to sleep now cuz it's like 4:30 in the morning and my brain is turning to mush. Mush I tells ya !! Maybe I'll have something witty and clever to say tomorrow; now... not a chance.
Nighty, night :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
day two hundred and twenty
Tomorrow I'm in single digits... freaky
Sometimes all you need for a great day is a couple of old friends. Had the most wonderful supper tonight with friend Margie and friend Theresa. They are awesome gals and I think we're lucky that life brought us all back together again. Because of the business I'm in I always say that everybody around me stays 24 and I keep getting older. It's hard to find folks your own age to hang out with. This is where Margie and Theresa have come in. In descending order of age it goes Theresa, Cathy and Margie. There is a year difference at each step. All's fair in love and war cuz last year I was pretty harsh to Tree when she turned and now the payback is on. Marg is playing with fire cuz we'll both turn on her next year :) Ahhh, no friends like old friends !!
Am very excited cuz I was asked to play Legend's next week in a golf tournament. All free, all the time... woot woot. the catch is that I'm going to be playing with people who are far and away above my skill set but luckily it's a scramble and I just might learn something :) Sooooo pumped!!!!
Had best hit the showers now cuz I gotta close tomorrow night and I need to get to the driving range to get some practise in. Hope your week is starting off exactly how you wanted :) ttyl
Sometimes all you need for a great day is a couple of old friends. Had the most wonderful supper tonight with friend Margie and friend Theresa. They are awesome gals and I think we're lucky that life brought us all back together again. Because of the business I'm in I always say that everybody around me stays 24 and I keep getting older. It's hard to find folks your own age to hang out with. This is where Margie and Theresa have come in. In descending order of age it goes Theresa, Cathy and Margie. There is a year difference at each step. All's fair in love and war cuz last year I was pretty harsh to Tree when she turned and now the payback is on. Marg is playing with fire cuz we'll both turn on her next year :) Ahhh, no friends like old friends !!
Am very excited cuz I was asked to play Legend's next week in a golf tournament. All free, all the time... woot woot. the catch is that I'm going to be playing with people who are far and away above my skill set but luckily it's a scramble and I just might learn something :) Sooooo pumped!!!!
Had best hit the showers now cuz I gotta close tomorrow night and I need to get to the driving range to get some practise in. Hope your week is starting off exactly how you wanted :) ttyl
Sunday, August 7, 2011
day two hundred and nineteen
Here we are at the penultimate Sunday. Jeepers.
On this Sunday night I wonder what the Sunday night 2 weeks from now will be like. The frenzy of the Cactus Festival will have wound down and the Project will have been two days completed. I wonder what it's going to be like to be 50. I feel stronger and healthier but there can be no denying that 50 is an absolute demarcation. It's the line in the sand that seemed very far away not too long ago and now it's rushing up to meet me. Tried to talk to Clare Louise about this a little but unfortunately it seemed like the conversation might have veered into being about someone else so that didn't go real well. Her response... "Well how do you think I feel, I'm going to be 80 next year". Not the help I was looking for. *shrug*
Although I regret very little about my life these "big" birthdays none-the-less give me little twinges. At 40 it seemed like I might still have kids, at 50 that's gone. I worry that there won't be anybody left to remember me the way I remember my dad. My dad pops up in my mind very often these days. I've said before I think (know ) he'd be very proud of the Project. He'd find the humour in it, and read it every day. I miss him alot.
I'm awfully lucky and I think I have a great life. The twinges of sadness are just that : twinges. I guess, for me, recognizing what I don't have makes me appreciate what I do. It seems disingenuous to complain about a life so very full of remarkable people. Many years ago I said, " if I'm not going to have an ordinary life, I better try to have an extraordinary one". This Sunday night I'm going to try to remember that sentiment and carry it around with me more.
Have a wicked week everybody.
On this Sunday night I wonder what the Sunday night 2 weeks from now will be like. The frenzy of the Cactus Festival will have wound down and the Project will have been two days completed. I wonder what it's going to be like to be 50. I feel stronger and healthier but there can be no denying that 50 is an absolute demarcation. It's the line in the sand that seemed very far away not too long ago and now it's rushing up to meet me. Tried to talk to Clare Louise about this a little but unfortunately it seemed like the conversation might have veered into being about someone else so that didn't go real well. Her response... "Well how do you think I feel, I'm going to be 80 next year". Not the help I was looking for. *shrug*
Although I regret very little about my life these "big" birthdays none-the-less give me little twinges. At 40 it seemed like I might still have kids, at 50 that's gone. I worry that there won't be anybody left to remember me the way I remember my dad. My dad pops up in my mind very often these days. I've said before I think (know ) he'd be very proud of the Project. He'd find the humour in it, and read it every day. I miss him alot.
I'm awfully lucky and I think I have a great life. The twinges of sadness are just that : twinges. I guess, for me, recognizing what I don't have makes me appreciate what I do. It seems disingenuous to complain about a life so very full of remarkable people. Many years ago I said, " if I'm not going to have an ordinary life, I better try to have an extraordinary one". This Sunday night I'm going to try to remember that sentiment and carry it around with me more.
Have a wicked week everybody.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
day two hundred and eighteen
I think I made a new friend today. That was fun.
I gotta say my get up and go has got up and went. I'm a tired monkey these days. Not really anything to chat about tonight so I'll just wing it.
My new friend seems to be a terrific person who's just too hard on himself. It got me to thinkin' about all the shitty things we say to ourselves... the stuff we wouldn't dream of saying to another person. Maybe the hardest lesson of all is to cut ourselves some slack. The expectations that we heap on ourselves can seem awfully harsh sometimes. How 'bout we practise just giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I extend those all the time to people so maybe I deserve it myself. I'm not saying we deserve a free ride. Who else is going to hold me to the standards I've set if not ... me. But sometimes I think it's easy to go over the line and become hyper self- critical. The bad news there is it pushes us to make choices that we might not make otherwise. (All this makes sense in my head so I apologize if it's not translating very well on the page :) )
Anyway... all I'm suggesting is that we spend the next, let's say, 13 days being as kind to ourselves as humanly possible. We deserve it.
I gotta say my get up and go has got up and went. I'm a tired monkey these days. Not really anything to chat about tonight so I'll just wing it.
My new friend seems to be a terrific person who's just too hard on himself. It got me to thinkin' about all the shitty things we say to ourselves... the stuff we wouldn't dream of saying to another person. Maybe the hardest lesson of all is to cut ourselves some slack. The expectations that we heap on ourselves can seem awfully harsh sometimes. How 'bout we practise just giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I extend those all the time to people so maybe I deserve it myself. I'm not saying we deserve a free ride. Who else is going to hold me to the standards I've set if not ... me. But sometimes I think it's easy to go over the line and become hyper self- critical. The bad news there is it pushes us to make choices that we might not make otherwise. (All this makes sense in my head so I apologize if it's not translating very well on the page :) )
Anyway... all I'm suggesting is that we spend the next, let's say, 13 days being as kind to ourselves as humanly possible. We deserve it.
Friday, August 5, 2011
day two hundred and seventeen
Laid back, blah kind of day. Woke up late after the close and never really got into my groove. It's around 9:30 and I feel like I pissed away my day off. Oh well... these days happen :)
Nothing much to talk about tonight. Feeling kind of ho hum. Some nights I sit down at the keyboard with nothing to say and stuff just pops up. Some nights not... tonight is that night.
I've said before that the hardest part of the Project has been this. The posting. I almost can't believe that I stuck it out. I tend to be the person who gets inordinately excited about things then just dithers away. I was going to have the BEST garden... I don't. I was going to hang ALL my pictures... I didn't. I could have stopped this after a couple of months and I don't think anyone would have been appalled by me. It became crazy important for me to keep this up just for me. The keeping of this blog has been a personal achievement and I'm very proud of myself. Will I let it go after the 19th? Probably. I may start another blog and not tell anybody where it is. Cuz the truth is... I remember how much I like to write. I remember the thrill of finding the exact word that will make the sentence fall into place. My problem is that, when all is said and done , I'm a performer. I like that people read this and I hope it makes them smile.
The new blog? We'll see...
Nothing much to talk about tonight. Feeling kind of ho hum. Some nights I sit down at the keyboard with nothing to say and stuff just pops up. Some nights not... tonight is that night.
I've said before that the hardest part of the Project has been this. The posting. I almost can't believe that I stuck it out. I tend to be the person who gets inordinately excited about things then just dithers away. I was going to have the BEST garden... I don't. I was going to hang ALL my pictures... I didn't. I could have stopped this after a couple of months and I don't think anyone would have been appalled by me. It became crazy important for me to keep this up just for me. The keeping of this blog has been a personal achievement and I'm very proud of myself. Will I let it go after the 19th? Probably. I may start another blog and not tell anybody where it is. Cuz the truth is... I remember how much I like to write. I remember the thrill of finding the exact word that will make the sentence fall into place. My problem is that, when all is said and done , I'm a performer. I like that people read this and I hope it makes them smile.
The new blog? We'll see...
day two hundred and sixteen
Late tonight... just got in from a close. True to my hope from yesterday I had a nice healthy eating day. Still surprising to me how a day of healthy eating can make me feel soooo good.
Someone mentioned something to me tonight about goals. It started me thinking (natch). What is my goal after this goal. It's kind of a dumb question cuz it presupposes that this Project will be finished, the "goal" so to speak will be accomplished and it's time to move on to the next goal. I don't think things happen like that. I think the thing we set our minds to do: weight loss, regular exercise, learning a new language, being kinder when you can, just becomes something that we have to integrate into our everyday. There can be no "finish". I'm certainly aware that the way I treat my body now needs to be ongoing. Even if I make it to 50 lbs, I can't stop. There is no stopping. This is just how I live my life and how I intend to continue to live it.
Goals can never be finite, at least not the goals I'm most interested in. If I had to use a blanket term for what the Project's goal has been I'd say "self-improvement'. That can never stop. Goals are great and certainly something to strive for so maybe my next goal is not ever being finished trying to make myself better :)
Someone mentioned something to me tonight about goals. It started me thinking (natch). What is my goal after this goal. It's kind of a dumb question cuz it presupposes that this Project will be finished, the "goal" so to speak will be accomplished and it's time to move on to the next goal. I don't think things happen like that. I think the thing we set our minds to do: weight loss, regular exercise, learning a new language, being kinder when you can, just becomes something that we have to integrate into our everyday. There can be no "finish". I'm certainly aware that the way I treat my body now needs to be ongoing. Even if I make it to 50 lbs, I can't stop. There is no stopping. This is just how I live my life and how I intend to continue to live it.
Goals can never be finite, at least not the goals I'm most interested in. If I had to use a blanket term for what the Project's goal has been I'd say "self-improvement'. That can never stop. Goals are great and certainly something to strive for so maybe my next goal is not ever being finished trying to make myself better :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
day two hundred and fifteen
The days wind down...
Made an appointment today for my birthday haircut. I was toying with the idea of shaving my head but I couldn't stand to look at one more grimace when I told people :) I'm not even sure I really wanted to shave my head it was more the idea of making a statement. What statement? Not sure about that either. It has to do with starting fresh, and what better physical manifestation of that concept than a shaved head? I have been in talks with my "hair guy" and I think we're going to stick with a kicky cut and a redonkulous colour. Pretty sure...
Need to get myself back on the eating more train. I have been skimping lately not for any other reason than I've just been too hot and tired to eat. I think the last of the weekend's adrenaline finally left my body and I'm just knackered. I imagine the 12 hour shift today didn't help.
Off to hit the showers, then bed. I'm closing tomorrow night so I'll have a good chance to laundry it up and get some groceries in the house. ttyl :)
Made an appointment today for my birthday haircut. I was toying with the idea of shaving my head but I couldn't stand to look at one more grimace when I told people :) I'm not even sure I really wanted to shave my head it was more the idea of making a statement. What statement? Not sure about that either. It has to do with starting fresh, and what better physical manifestation of that concept than a shaved head? I have been in talks with my "hair guy" and I think we're going to stick with a kicky cut and a redonkulous colour. Pretty sure...
Need to get myself back on the eating more train. I have been skimping lately not for any other reason than I've just been too hot and tired to eat. I think the last of the weekend's adrenaline finally left my body and I'm just knackered. I imagine the 12 hour shift today didn't help.
Off to hit the showers, then bed. I'm closing tomorrow night so I'll have a good chance to laundry it up and get some groceries in the house. ttyl :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
day two hundred and fourteen
Woot Woot!!! My wizard (awesome bro) showed up first thing this morning and fixed me up :)
I can honestly say I've never been so surprised by anything in my whole life. The trouble that everybody went to in planning that remarkable party still boggles my mind. I can tell you that standing around that table I felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of love in the room. I'm a very lucky girl to have so many people care that much about me. It's very humbling and TOTALLY awesome :)
Travelling with Brad continues to be the most fun EVAH !!! We're v. lucky that we just happen to fit perfectly as travelling companions. I've travelled with some people I consider good friends but that doesn't always make you well suited for travelling together. For some reason, I think the first trip Brad and I ever took together was to New York and from that time to this we've had some remarkable journeys. I have 7 years to plan for his 50th... no pressure...
According to my countdown clock there are 16 measly days left in The Project. I think I've accomplished alot of what I set out to do. The ticker may not reflect it, but I think 2011 was my year of change. Change that seems to be sticking. I'm very emotional these days and I anticipate that will last for the remaining 16 days. Bear with me folks... we're almost there :)
I can honestly say I've never been so surprised by anything in my whole life. The trouble that everybody went to in planning that remarkable party still boggles my mind. I can tell you that standing around that table I felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of love in the room. I'm a very lucky girl to have so many people care that much about me. It's very humbling and TOTALLY awesome :)
Travelling with Brad continues to be the most fun EVAH !!! We're v. lucky that we just happen to fit perfectly as travelling companions. I've travelled with some people I consider good friends but that doesn't always make you well suited for travelling together. For some reason, I think the first trip Brad and I ever took together was to New York and from that time to this we've had some remarkable journeys. I have 7 years to plan for his 50th... no pressure...
According to my countdown clock there are 16 measly days left in The Project. I think I've accomplished alot of what I set out to do. The ticker may not reflect it, but I think 2011 was my year of change. Change that seems to be sticking. I'm very emotional these days and I anticipate that will last for the remaining 16 days. Bear with me folks... we're almost there :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
day two hundred and thirteen
Since I'm now home I was absolutely hoping to be posting this from my pc. No such luck. It's taking a sick day... drag. Hopefully my wizard will be able to help me out tomorrow :) I don’t completely hate posting from here but I don’t have super thumb skills so that blows ... mostly the no paragraphs drive me. OK - crazy good weekend and now back to serious Project business. I feel pretty good about choices on the weekend. Lots of booze of course but not a lot of stupid mindless munching. Even turned down street meat :) Thumbs tired now so I'll chat with y'all tomorrow ... hopefully using all my digits :)
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