Ah well... here we are. My last Sunday night. Feeling a bit shattered today but here goes.
The best part of the blogging has been the Sunday nights. Looking forward to the upcoming week, planning, I've liked it a great deal. This is the first Sunday night where I'm thinking backward instead of forward. The reflective mood continues.
I've been thinking about change alot recently . Not just the physical manifestations of the changes I've made (but woot woot about those fer sure) but what , if any , changes have happened inside me. It's possible I'm too close to the process right now but I don't think I've changed very much at all. I've changed the things I do but not the person I am . Some of you may not know this but a long time ago I lost a great deal of weight. It was 20 years ago and I lost 60 pounds. In the succeeding years I put about 30 back on, which actually puts me at the head of the class as far as that annoying statistic about weight gain and loss goes. It was a slow creep those 30 pounds coming back with the last ten arriving within the last 2 or 3 years. Anyway, I remember at the time somebody asking me what caused me to lose the weight. Had I finally hit rock bottom and needed to make a change? Without hesitation I replied, "No. You can't do something right for yourself from rock bottom. You have to finally think that you're worth something to make the change". I thought then, and still think, that you need to be in a place where you've forgiven yourself and you come to the realization that you don't deserve to be ill-treated anymore. All that time I was "protecting" myself with food I was really harming myself. I gave the food too much power over me. Layers of fat can certainly insulate one but it cuts you off from the wrong things. It's ok to feel sad, bored, lonely but it's not ok to cover up those feelings with massive doses of Oreos. At least it's not ok for me.
This blog has been difficult to write because I am, by nature, a very private person. Oh, I'll talk your ear off about anything under the sun as long as it doesn't get down to the me, the me that I don't like folks to look at very long. I was unwilling to share some of the stuff I felt with people I don't know real well. Well, I figure that's a trust issue and since I'm almost done the blog looks like I don't give a rat's ass anymore... in a good way:)
My relationship to food has, indeed, been dysfunctional. I think it always will be. I'm never going to be that person who puts no moral value judgement on ice cream. It will always be me vs the food. I'm ok with that cuz I guess that knowledge will give me the upper hand as I continue on.
Have I changed? Not really. I still worry that I'll bore the hell out of people. That I'm just a half step out of sync with those around me. I know that deep in me I try every day to be the best kind of person I know how to be. That might be trite but it's sincere. I know the worst thing that can happen to me is to stop growing and learning and hoping.
Hope is the thing with feathers...
Sunday, August 14, 2011
day two hundred and twenty five
I've left this too long tonight and now I'm super tired. Either that or the 3 beers at the Ticat game. These fellas have got to stop with the squeakers... they're killing me.
I'm honestly going to be short and sweet tonight cuz I got nothin'.
These are the worst nights to write cuz I can sit at this keyboard for ever and nothing pops into my head. Drat... nothing
tty tomorrow :)
I'm honestly going to be short and sweet tonight cuz I got nothin'.
These are the worst nights to write cuz I can sit at this keyboard for ever and nothing pops into my head. Drat... nothing
tty tomorrow :)
Friday, August 12, 2011
day two hundred and twenty four
Next Friday... how fast it rushes up to me... *blah*
In the waning days of the Project certain things from the start of the Project flash in my mind. Like, how when I started to tell people my idea mostly their eyebrows shot straight up. Straight up. Then they re-arranged their faces and immediately became supportive. The random guy in the restaurant who insisted; "there's no fuckin' way you'll be able to do that". Well, he was right. I didn't do it. And he was so wrong. I did something bigger, that will last me longer. Funny thing is - he'd be the guy who'd say "see, I was right".
I feel a bit like I've turned my back on the old me. Like I'm saying... see, you really WEREN'T good enough. Hey, old me... you were always good enough. I'm not "better" now I'm just different.
It's odd to me that I haven't read any of this blog except to preview and publish each night. I'm looking forward to sitting down and going through the whole thing. I wonder what it'll be like. There's a cool thing called blog2print that will print and bind your blog. Just like a regular book. I'm gonna get that. This record of whatever this has been deserves it.
In the waning days of the Project certain things from the start of the Project flash in my mind. Like, how when I started to tell people my idea mostly their eyebrows shot straight up. Straight up. Then they re-arranged their faces and immediately became supportive. The random guy in the restaurant who insisted; "there's no fuckin' way you'll be able to do that". Well, he was right. I didn't do it. And he was so wrong. I did something bigger, that will last me longer. Funny thing is - he'd be the guy who'd say "see, I was right".
I feel a bit like I've turned my back on the old me. Like I'm saying... see, you really WEREN'T good enough. Hey, old me... you were always good enough. I'm not "better" now I'm just different.
It's odd to me that I haven't read any of this blog except to preview and publish each night. I'm looking forward to sitting down and going through the whole thing. I wonder what it'll be like. There's a cool thing called blog2print that will print and bind your blog. Just like a regular book. I'm gonna get that. This record of whatever this has been deserves it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
day two hundred and twenty three
From a super packed day yesterday to a nice quiet today. Lovely.
Had a wonderful lunch with friend Heather at the Thai. It's our preferred lunch spot and the food is wicked. I've been eating out more than normal lately but the great thing is the places chosen really make it easy to make smart decisions.
Back to work tomorrow to start a 5 day stint that will end with 2 days off then the craziness of Cactus Festival. The actual Festival part is really pretty easy... it's the getting there that's tough.
Apparently my brain is working in short, sharp shocks tonight. There's alot going on in the old noodle but it's hard to express it. This is when I wish I was better at this writing thing. I'm not exactly feeling melancholy... more wistful I think. Everything seems to be a bit gauzy around the edges. I know, for certain, that I'm waaaay more sentimental than usual right now. Every kind word or gesture from a friend seems to pierce me. It's like my feelings for everything and everyone are real close to the surface. I wonder how I came to here and how I got so lucky. Just writing about this now makes me well up with gratitude. It's like , just for now, I've lost the ability to be cynical. I know that none of this makes sense but it makes sense in my head.
I guess I'm saying for the next eight days if you see me and smile at me don't be surprised if I burst into tears. Don't be scared just smile and nod :) One week left on the Project and I think it's gonna be a helluva ride...
Had a wonderful lunch with friend Heather at the Thai. It's our preferred lunch spot and the food is wicked. I've been eating out more than normal lately but the great thing is the places chosen really make it easy to make smart decisions.
Back to work tomorrow to start a 5 day stint that will end with 2 days off then the craziness of Cactus Festival. The actual Festival part is really pretty easy... it's the getting there that's tough.
Apparently my brain is working in short, sharp shocks tonight. There's alot going on in the old noodle but it's hard to express it. This is when I wish I was better at this writing thing. I'm not exactly feeling melancholy... more wistful I think. Everything seems to be a bit gauzy around the edges. I know, for certain, that I'm waaaay more sentimental than usual right now. Every kind word or gesture from a friend seems to pierce me. It's like my feelings for everything and everyone are real close to the surface. I wonder how I came to here and how I got so lucky. Just writing about this now makes me well up with gratitude. It's like , just for now, I've lost the ability to be cynical. I know that none of this makes sense but it makes sense in my head.
I guess I'm saying for the next eight days if you see me and smile at me don't be surprised if I burst into tears. Don't be scared just smile and nod :) One week left on the Project and I think it's gonna be a helluva ride...
day two hundred and twenty two
Some days you get lucky. There's the waking up in the morning with nothing special planned and suddenly this wicked day unfolds around you.
Off to Main Cycle to pick up my new bike. Love, love, LOVE my new bike. The Giant it's called so it's really the oxymoron of bikes. It's little... certainly just the right size for me but little. I had forgotten the adrenaline rush of riding around the city on a bike. Close calls aplenty and I had a wicked time.
Next training with Evil Jonny. We're coming to the end of our relationship. Only two more sessions left. I'm not sure why I'm going to miss him but I think I will. He's so far outside of my experience and yet he's like the most delightful puppy. Good training tonight but after a two hour bike ride... I was done.
Do I still have the strength to lift a fork to my mouth? Thankfully yes. A friend called for a spur of the moment "let's go out for dinner". Holy crap... FANTASTIC. If you have the chance, I highly recommend The Alex in Burlington. The food was stupid good. Small plates so there was alot of mixing and matching and just about everything was superb. I'm going to weigh in especially for the scallops and green beans and the mango slaw. Crazy good. As always the best part of a great meal is the company so the evening was pretty much perfect.
Such a whirlwind day from such inauspicious beginnings. Days like this make me wonder ; "hey what could happen tomorrow?" Not knowing is part of the fun :)
Off to Main Cycle to pick up my new bike. Love, love, LOVE my new bike. The Giant it's called so it's really the oxymoron of bikes. It's little... certainly just the right size for me but little. I had forgotten the adrenaline rush of riding around the city on a bike. Close calls aplenty and I had a wicked time.
Next training with Evil Jonny. We're coming to the end of our relationship. Only two more sessions left. I'm not sure why I'm going to miss him but I think I will. He's so far outside of my experience and yet he's like the most delightful puppy. Good training tonight but after a two hour bike ride... I was done.
Do I still have the strength to lift a fork to my mouth? Thankfully yes. A friend called for a spur of the moment "let's go out for dinner". Holy crap... FANTASTIC. If you have the chance, I highly recommend The Alex in Burlington. The food was stupid good. Small plates so there was alot of mixing and matching and just about everything was superb. I'm going to weigh in especially for the scallops and green beans and the mango slaw. Crazy good. As always the best part of a great meal is the company so the evening was pretty much perfect.
Such a whirlwind day from such inauspicious beginnings. Days like this make me wonder ; "hey what could happen tomorrow?" Not knowing is part of the fun :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
day two hundred and twenty one
Bought myself a birthday present today. Oh yeah... I am going to be fabulous on my new bicycle!!! I've been wanting one for the longest time and the idea of going to the gym to ride one just makes me groan. Speaking of which I'll be going there tomorrow for a session with E Jonny. Kind of looking forward to it (what??)
Closed tonight so I'm kind of slow and stupid. How was it so busy on an effin' Tuesday night? Cactus Festival is bearing down on us like the freight train it always is. All the beer comes tomorrow... sooooo glad I'm off. I'm going to pick up my new bike... did I mention I have a new bike?
I'm going to sleep now cuz it's like 4:30 in the morning and my brain is turning to mush. Mush I tells ya !! Maybe I'll have something witty and clever to say tomorrow; now... not a chance.
Nighty, night :)
Closed tonight so I'm kind of slow and stupid. How was it so busy on an effin' Tuesday night? Cactus Festival is bearing down on us like the freight train it always is. All the beer comes tomorrow... sooooo glad I'm off. I'm going to pick up my new bike... did I mention I have a new bike?
I'm going to sleep now cuz it's like 4:30 in the morning and my brain is turning to mush. Mush I tells ya !! Maybe I'll have something witty and clever to say tomorrow; now... not a chance.
Nighty, night :)
Monday, August 8, 2011
day two hundred and twenty
Tomorrow I'm in single digits... freaky
Sometimes all you need for a great day is a couple of old friends. Had the most wonderful supper tonight with friend Margie and friend Theresa. They are awesome gals and I think we're lucky that life brought us all back together again. Because of the business I'm in I always say that everybody around me stays 24 and I keep getting older. It's hard to find folks your own age to hang out with. This is where Margie and Theresa have come in. In descending order of age it goes Theresa, Cathy and Margie. There is a year difference at each step. All's fair in love and war cuz last year I was pretty harsh to Tree when she turned and now the payback is on. Marg is playing with fire cuz we'll both turn on her next year :) Ahhh, no friends like old friends !!
Am very excited cuz I was asked to play Legend's next week in a golf tournament. All free, all the time... woot woot. the catch is that I'm going to be playing with people who are far and away above my skill set but luckily it's a scramble and I just might learn something :) Sooooo pumped!!!!
Had best hit the showers now cuz I gotta close tomorrow night and I need to get to the driving range to get some practise in. Hope your week is starting off exactly how you wanted :) ttyl
Sometimes all you need for a great day is a couple of old friends. Had the most wonderful supper tonight with friend Margie and friend Theresa. They are awesome gals and I think we're lucky that life brought us all back together again. Because of the business I'm in I always say that everybody around me stays 24 and I keep getting older. It's hard to find folks your own age to hang out with. This is where Margie and Theresa have come in. In descending order of age it goes Theresa, Cathy and Margie. There is a year difference at each step. All's fair in love and war cuz last year I was pretty harsh to Tree when she turned and now the payback is on. Marg is playing with fire cuz we'll both turn on her next year :) Ahhh, no friends like old friends !!
Am very excited cuz I was asked to play Legend's next week in a golf tournament. All free, all the time... woot woot. the catch is that I'm going to be playing with people who are far and away above my skill set but luckily it's a scramble and I just might learn something :) Sooooo pumped!!!!
Had best hit the showers now cuz I gotta close tomorrow night and I need to get to the driving range to get some practise in. Hope your week is starting off exactly how you wanted :) ttyl
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