Here we are at the penultimate Sunday. Jeepers.
On this Sunday night I wonder what the Sunday night 2 weeks from now will be like. The frenzy of the Cactus Festival will have wound down and the Project will have been two days completed. I wonder what it's going to be like to be 50. I feel stronger and healthier but there can be no denying that 50 is an absolute demarcation. It's the line in the sand that seemed very far away not too long ago and now it's rushing up to meet me. Tried to talk to Clare Louise about this a little but unfortunately it seemed like the conversation might have veered into being about someone else so that didn't go real well. Her response... "Well how do you think I feel, I'm going to be 80 next year". Not the help I was looking for. *shrug*
Although I regret very little about my life these "big" birthdays none-the-less give me little twinges. At 40 it seemed like I might still have kids, at 50 that's gone. I worry that there won't be anybody left to remember me the way I remember my dad. My dad pops up in my mind very often these days. I've said before I think (know ) he'd be very proud of the Project. He'd find the humour in it, and read it every day. I miss him alot.
I'm awfully lucky and I think I have a great life. The twinges of sadness are just that : twinges. I guess, for me, recognizing what I don't have makes me appreciate what I do. It seems disingenuous to complain about a life so very full of remarkable people. Many years ago I said, " if I'm not going to have an ordinary life, I better try to have an extraordinary one". This Sunday night I'm going to try to remember that sentiment and carry it around with me more.
Have a wicked week everybody.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
day two hundred and eighteen
I think I made a new friend today. That was fun.
I gotta say my get up and go has got up and went. I'm a tired monkey these days. Not really anything to chat about tonight so I'll just wing it.
My new friend seems to be a terrific person who's just too hard on himself. It got me to thinkin' about all the shitty things we say to ourselves... the stuff we wouldn't dream of saying to another person. Maybe the hardest lesson of all is to cut ourselves some slack. The expectations that we heap on ourselves can seem awfully harsh sometimes. How 'bout we practise just giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I extend those all the time to people so maybe I deserve it myself. I'm not saying we deserve a free ride. Who else is going to hold me to the standards I've set if not ... me. But sometimes I think it's easy to go over the line and become hyper self- critical. The bad news there is it pushes us to make choices that we might not make otherwise. (All this makes sense in my head so I apologize if it's not translating very well on the page :) )
Anyway... all I'm suggesting is that we spend the next, let's say, 13 days being as kind to ourselves as humanly possible. We deserve it.
I gotta say my get up and go has got up and went. I'm a tired monkey these days. Not really anything to chat about tonight so I'll just wing it.
My new friend seems to be a terrific person who's just too hard on himself. It got me to thinkin' about all the shitty things we say to ourselves... the stuff we wouldn't dream of saying to another person. Maybe the hardest lesson of all is to cut ourselves some slack. The expectations that we heap on ourselves can seem awfully harsh sometimes. How 'bout we practise just giving ourselves the benefit of the doubt. I extend those all the time to people so maybe I deserve it myself. I'm not saying we deserve a free ride. Who else is going to hold me to the standards I've set if not ... me. But sometimes I think it's easy to go over the line and become hyper self- critical. The bad news there is it pushes us to make choices that we might not make otherwise. (All this makes sense in my head so I apologize if it's not translating very well on the page :) )
Anyway... all I'm suggesting is that we spend the next, let's say, 13 days being as kind to ourselves as humanly possible. We deserve it.
Friday, August 5, 2011
day two hundred and seventeen
Laid back, blah kind of day. Woke up late after the close and never really got into my groove. It's around 9:30 and I feel like I pissed away my day off. Oh well... these days happen :)
Nothing much to talk about tonight. Feeling kind of ho hum. Some nights I sit down at the keyboard with nothing to say and stuff just pops up. Some nights not... tonight is that night.
I've said before that the hardest part of the Project has been this. The posting. I almost can't believe that I stuck it out. I tend to be the person who gets inordinately excited about things then just dithers away. I was going to have the BEST garden... I don't. I was going to hang ALL my pictures... I didn't. I could have stopped this after a couple of months and I don't think anyone would have been appalled by me. It became crazy important for me to keep this up just for me. The keeping of this blog has been a personal achievement and I'm very proud of myself. Will I let it go after the 19th? Probably. I may start another blog and not tell anybody where it is. Cuz the truth is... I remember how much I like to write. I remember the thrill of finding the exact word that will make the sentence fall into place. My problem is that, when all is said and done , I'm a performer. I like that people read this and I hope it makes them smile.
The new blog? We'll see...
Nothing much to talk about tonight. Feeling kind of ho hum. Some nights I sit down at the keyboard with nothing to say and stuff just pops up. Some nights not... tonight is that night.
I've said before that the hardest part of the Project has been this. The posting. I almost can't believe that I stuck it out. I tend to be the person who gets inordinately excited about things then just dithers away. I was going to have the BEST garden... I don't. I was going to hang ALL my pictures... I didn't. I could have stopped this after a couple of months and I don't think anyone would have been appalled by me. It became crazy important for me to keep this up just for me. The keeping of this blog has been a personal achievement and I'm very proud of myself. Will I let it go after the 19th? Probably. I may start another blog and not tell anybody where it is. Cuz the truth is... I remember how much I like to write. I remember the thrill of finding the exact word that will make the sentence fall into place. My problem is that, when all is said and done , I'm a performer. I like that people read this and I hope it makes them smile.
The new blog? We'll see...
day two hundred and sixteen
Late tonight... just got in from a close. True to my hope from yesterday I had a nice healthy eating day. Still surprising to me how a day of healthy eating can make me feel soooo good.
Someone mentioned something to me tonight about goals. It started me thinking (natch). What is my goal after this goal. It's kind of a dumb question cuz it presupposes that this Project will be finished, the "goal" so to speak will be accomplished and it's time to move on to the next goal. I don't think things happen like that. I think the thing we set our minds to do: weight loss, regular exercise, learning a new language, being kinder when you can, just becomes something that we have to integrate into our everyday. There can be no "finish". I'm certainly aware that the way I treat my body now needs to be ongoing. Even if I make it to 50 lbs, I can't stop. There is no stopping. This is just how I live my life and how I intend to continue to live it.
Goals can never be finite, at least not the goals I'm most interested in. If I had to use a blanket term for what the Project's goal has been I'd say "self-improvement'. That can never stop. Goals are great and certainly something to strive for so maybe my next goal is not ever being finished trying to make myself better :)
Someone mentioned something to me tonight about goals. It started me thinking (natch). What is my goal after this goal. It's kind of a dumb question cuz it presupposes that this Project will be finished, the "goal" so to speak will be accomplished and it's time to move on to the next goal. I don't think things happen like that. I think the thing we set our minds to do: weight loss, regular exercise, learning a new language, being kinder when you can, just becomes something that we have to integrate into our everyday. There can be no "finish". I'm certainly aware that the way I treat my body now needs to be ongoing. Even if I make it to 50 lbs, I can't stop. There is no stopping. This is just how I live my life and how I intend to continue to live it.
Goals can never be finite, at least not the goals I'm most interested in. If I had to use a blanket term for what the Project's goal has been I'd say "self-improvement'. That can never stop. Goals are great and certainly something to strive for so maybe my next goal is not ever being finished trying to make myself better :)
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
day two hundred and fifteen
The days wind down...
Made an appointment today for my birthday haircut. I was toying with the idea of shaving my head but I couldn't stand to look at one more grimace when I told people :) I'm not even sure I really wanted to shave my head it was more the idea of making a statement. What statement? Not sure about that either. It has to do with starting fresh, and what better physical manifestation of that concept than a shaved head? I have been in talks with my "hair guy" and I think we're going to stick with a kicky cut and a redonkulous colour. Pretty sure...
Need to get myself back on the eating more train. I have been skimping lately not for any other reason than I've just been too hot and tired to eat. I think the last of the weekend's adrenaline finally left my body and I'm just knackered. I imagine the 12 hour shift today didn't help.
Off to hit the showers, then bed. I'm closing tomorrow night so I'll have a good chance to laundry it up and get some groceries in the house. ttyl :)
Made an appointment today for my birthday haircut. I was toying with the idea of shaving my head but I couldn't stand to look at one more grimace when I told people :) I'm not even sure I really wanted to shave my head it was more the idea of making a statement. What statement? Not sure about that either. It has to do with starting fresh, and what better physical manifestation of that concept than a shaved head? I have been in talks with my "hair guy" and I think we're going to stick with a kicky cut and a redonkulous colour. Pretty sure...
Need to get myself back on the eating more train. I have been skimping lately not for any other reason than I've just been too hot and tired to eat. I think the last of the weekend's adrenaline finally left my body and I'm just knackered. I imagine the 12 hour shift today didn't help.
Off to hit the showers, then bed. I'm closing tomorrow night so I'll have a good chance to laundry it up and get some groceries in the house. ttyl :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
day two hundred and fourteen
Woot Woot!!! My wizard (awesome bro) showed up first thing this morning and fixed me up :)
I can honestly say I've never been so surprised by anything in my whole life. The trouble that everybody went to in planning that remarkable party still boggles my mind. I can tell you that standing around that table I felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of love in the room. I'm a very lucky girl to have so many people care that much about me. It's very humbling and TOTALLY awesome :)
Travelling with Brad continues to be the most fun EVAH !!! We're v. lucky that we just happen to fit perfectly as travelling companions. I've travelled with some people I consider good friends but that doesn't always make you well suited for travelling together. For some reason, I think the first trip Brad and I ever took together was to New York and from that time to this we've had some remarkable journeys. I have 7 years to plan for his 50th... no pressure...
According to my countdown clock there are 16 measly days left in The Project. I think I've accomplished alot of what I set out to do. The ticker may not reflect it, but I think 2011 was my year of change. Change that seems to be sticking. I'm very emotional these days and I anticipate that will last for the remaining 16 days. Bear with me folks... we're almost there :)
I can honestly say I've never been so surprised by anything in my whole life. The trouble that everybody went to in planning that remarkable party still boggles my mind. I can tell you that standing around that table I felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of love in the room. I'm a very lucky girl to have so many people care that much about me. It's very humbling and TOTALLY awesome :)
Travelling with Brad continues to be the most fun EVAH !!! We're v. lucky that we just happen to fit perfectly as travelling companions. I've travelled with some people I consider good friends but that doesn't always make you well suited for travelling together. For some reason, I think the first trip Brad and I ever took together was to New York and from that time to this we've had some remarkable journeys. I have 7 years to plan for his 50th... no pressure...
According to my countdown clock there are 16 measly days left in The Project. I think I've accomplished alot of what I set out to do. The ticker may not reflect it, but I think 2011 was my year of change. Change that seems to be sticking. I'm very emotional these days and I anticipate that will last for the remaining 16 days. Bear with me folks... we're almost there :)
Monday, August 1, 2011
day two hundred and thirteen
Since I'm now home I was absolutely hoping to be posting this from my pc. No such luck. It's taking a sick day... drag. Hopefully my wizard will be able to help me out tomorrow :) I don’t completely hate posting from here but I don’t have super thumb skills so that blows ... mostly the no paragraphs drive me. OK - crazy good weekend and now back to serious Project business. I feel pretty good about choices on the weekend. Lots of booze of course but not a lot of stupid mindless munching. Even turned down street meat :) Thumbs tired now so I'll chat with y'all tomorrow ... hopefully using all my digits :)
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