Last Friday I went to a wedding. It was an enormous amount of fun and just the right amount of perfect for the couple - Emily and Brian. It was one of those weddings that didn't hit any false notes. You could see the bride and groom in all the details. That makes for a pretty much perfect evening. Fun was being had by all but I had to work the next morning so I left earlyish. Got some dancing and silliness in but apparently missed the shank, as it were. That was ok by me cuz I ended up having the most delightful drive home. It was so delightful that it's stayed with me all this week so I thought I'd chat about it.
The wedding was at Hernder Estates which is along the wine route. Anyone who knows me knows that my sense of direction is... flawed. It was a gorgeous night out, about 10 and I figured I could find my way home without resorting to the QEW. I started along a very dark hwy 8 and there were absolutely no cars. It had rained earlier but stopped and the moon was poking out of a cloudy sky. Hwy 8 wanders in and around and up and down... just right. What made the drive so delightful was that it reminded me of another car ride home a couple of years ago. We were coming back from Niagara on the Lake and trying to wend our way down the wine route. Same type of night, quiet, deserted, but clear. So very clear. It was late summer and the stars were losing their minds in the sky. So many thousands trying to elbow their way across this big black sky. My friend was driving and he let me pick every turn. I picked wrong every time. Just plain wrong. Didn't matter... when he stopped the car so we could feast on those stars my flawed sense of direction had brought us to exactly the right place.
I feel like that alot sometimes: taking the wrong turn, picking a direction cuz my gut says "go that way... I'm sure this time" and being wrong again. The wonderful places this flawed sense of direction has taken me to almost makes me weep with gratitude. And the thing is, I always end up home.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Goals
Goals, I'm finding are slippery things.
Having pursued a goal from Jan 1 to Aug 19th I find myself a bit at sea. It feels like it should be easy to just pick a new one and set after it. It's not. Losing the last 15 pounds, exercising on a daily basis, cooking a healthy meal at least 3 times a week... these should be easy peasy goals. Maybe they're just not big enough. They feel pretty mundane after what I've put myself through. More to the point, they're really just an extension of the original goal.
So here's the goal I'm going to pick cuz it is terrifically hard for me and will require skills that I don't currently possess: I'm going to make a phone call. That's it... a simple phone call. During the Project I came to understand that what seems easy and natural for others didn't come easily to me. Really, a row of Oreos for dinner isn't good for you? Eating once a day doesn't help you lose weight? I had alot of "d'oh" moments for sure. Now the act of making a phone call to someone you think you might like who might like you back comes naturally to a large portion of the population. Not to me. Here I am, 50, afraid to make a lousy phone call to a boy. Like most things we're reluctant to do, it's more difficult to do cuz I've built it up in my head. Maybe if I'd had more practise at this it wouldn't be so hard now :)
O.K.... here's the goal: make the stupid phone call. There's no sense bemoaning the fact that you're single if you're not willing to make a dopey phone call that could alter that state. Take some ownership I'd tell somebody else. Alright, "New Goal"... look out - I'm headed your way :)
Having pursued a goal from Jan 1 to Aug 19th I find myself a bit at sea. It feels like it should be easy to just pick a new one and set after it. It's not. Losing the last 15 pounds, exercising on a daily basis, cooking a healthy meal at least 3 times a week... these should be easy peasy goals. Maybe they're just not big enough. They feel pretty mundane after what I've put myself through. More to the point, they're really just an extension of the original goal.
So here's the goal I'm going to pick cuz it is terrifically hard for me and will require skills that I don't currently possess: I'm going to make a phone call. That's it... a simple phone call. During the Project I came to understand that what seems easy and natural for others didn't come easily to me. Really, a row of Oreos for dinner isn't good for you? Eating once a day doesn't help you lose weight? I had alot of "d'oh" moments for sure. Now the act of making a phone call to someone you think you might like who might like you back comes naturally to a large portion of the population. Not to me. Here I am, 50, afraid to make a lousy phone call to a boy. Like most things we're reluctant to do, it's more difficult to do cuz I've built it up in my head. Maybe if I'd had more practise at this it wouldn't be so hard now :)
O.K.... here's the goal: make the stupid phone call. There's no sense bemoaning the fact that you're single if you're not willing to make a dopey phone call that could alter that state. Take some ownership I'd tell somebody else. Alright, "New Goal"... look out - I'm headed your way :)
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Break's over
A cool thing happened today. I got my blog in the mail. There's a company called blog2print that will print your blog and make it into a real live book. Mine arrived today. It's all in there. From day one to day two hundred and thirty. I never actually reviewed my blog while I was writing it. I never went back on day eighty-six and read what I wrote on day twenty-three. Having it all in front of me was a bit of a revelation. I was pretty proud of what I was reading. More to the point, I realized how helpful the writing was to the process.
The writing gave me a place to explore some fairly serious issues for myself. The writing helped me figure out what I was feeling... even on the days when I hated it. And some days I really hated it. Well, it's been a month since the Project finished and I need the writing again. It keeps me focused on the day to day. No big picture stuff... well sometimes... but mostly the daily epiphanies that accumulate into something larger.
Break's over.
The writing gave me a place to explore some fairly serious issues for myself. The writing helped me figure out what I was feeling... even on the days when I hated it. And some days I really hated it. Well, it's been a month since the Project finished and I need the writing again. It keeps me focused on the day to day. No big picture stuff... well sometimes... but mostly the daily epiphanies that accumulate into something larger.
Break's over.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
really? september tomorrow?
Where did it go? I always think of my birthday as the end of summer but, holy crap... this one just flew by. I think because it took forever to get here... remember that hideous April/May?
Still feeling pretty good post Project. I was a tad worried that I'd lose my focus and just turn into a crazy person eating - wise but it turns out I'm pretty even keeled. That said... I'm looking VERY forward to the Ticat game on Monday and all bets are definitely off. Hoping to get fairly stinky drunk :) Always have a plan!
A super cranky man called me on the phone today at work to ask for a "charity" donation then proceeded to ream me out when I told him I couldn't. This guy totally went off on me and I'm not exaggerating when I say it ruined my whole day. I'm just now coming out of it. Gosh, people can be shitty.
I posted a picture of myself on FB to show friend Kate my new blonde hair but what I wasn't expecting was the response from people. People who haven't seen me in a while. Tres gratifying :)
Well, that enough for tonight's little pop in. Stay well out there...
Still feeling pretty good post Project. I was a tad worried that I'd lose my focus and just turn into a crazy person eating - wise but it turns out I'm pretty even keeled. That said... I'm looking VERY forward to the Ticat game on Monday and all bets are definitely off. Hoping to get fairly stinky drunk :) Always have a plan!
A super cranky man called me on the phone today at work to ask for a "charity" donation then proceeded to ream me out when I told him I couldn't. This guy totally went off on me and I'm not exaggerating when I say it ruined my whole day. I'm just now coming out of it. Gosh, people can be shitty.
I posted a picture of myself on FB to show friend Kate my new blonde hair but what I wasn't expecting was the response from people. People who haven't seen me in a while. Tres gratifying :)
Well, that enough for tonight's little pop in. Stay well out there...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Jack Layton's funeral
I had to work today but I watched most of the ceremony live streamed on my computer in the office. This was prob'ly a mistake. I was in floods for most of it and not of much use to anybody.
I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Layton and was heartened to see the outpouring of emotion from all over Canada. We don't usually do this big, noisy collective grief thing as a rule but I understand the urge. You admired him as a public figure, as a courageous battler against cancer that has taken so many that I don't know of anyone who hasn't been touched by it. You admired him, even if you disagreed with him cuz it seemed true. His passion for what he believed never seemed convenient or wishy- washy. I feel the heartbreak of bringing that party, my party really, right up to the table but cruelly being denied the chance to sit down to dinner.
I have believed for a long time that Jack Layton was a scrappy version of Stephen Lewis. I thought Mr.Lewis' eulogy was as close to perfection as you get. It was rousing, and thought provoking and in your face and touching. My heart went out to Mr. Layton's kids cuz I remember standing there thinking : "here's what I want the world to know about my dad". It was the most difficult and at the same time most rewarding bit of speechifying I've ever done. People later asked me how I didn't break down and I just said: " it was for dad and he'd want me to do good". I thought Jack's kids did good.
We'll go back to the politics "business as usual" and this new NDP will make a heap of mistakes, and look foolish and sometimes get it right. The only hope is that a Stephen (or David for you old timers)Lewis or a Jack Layton will emerge to continue to fight the good fight.
Thank you Mr. Layton for your years of public service. It's time to rest now.
I have a great deal of respect for Mr. Layton and was heartened to see the outpouring of emotion from all over Canada. We don't usually do this big, noisy collective grief thing as a rule but I understand the urge. You admired him as a public figure, as a courageous battler against cancer that has taken so many that I don't know of anyone who hasn't been touched by it. You admired him, even if you disagreed with him cuz it seemed true. His passion for what he believed never seemed convenient or wishy- washy. I feel the heartbreak of bringing that party, my party really, right up to the table but cruelly being denied the chance to sit down to dinner.
I have believed for a long time that Jack Layton was a scrappy version of Stephen Lewis. I thought Mr.Lewis' eulogy was as close to perfection as you get. It was rousing, and thought provoking and in your face and touching. My heart went out to Mr. Layton's kids cuz I remember standing there thinking : "here's what I want the world to know about my dad". It was the most difficult and at the same time most rewarding bit of speechifying I've ever done. People later asked me how I didn't break down and I just said: " it was for dad and he'd want me to do good". I thought Jack's kids did good.
We'll go back to the politics "business as usual" and this new NDP will make a heap of mistakes, and look foolish and sometimes get it right. The only hope is that a Stephen (or David for you old timers)Lewis or a Jack Layton will emerge to continue to fight the good fight.
Thank you Mr. Layton for your years of public service. It's time to rest now.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
back to it
All the paperwork is done and this year's Cactus Fest is a distant memory. I'm some tired but there's a day off looming...
As you can tell by the ticker my weight hasn't budged. I'm making a wee change in the hopes of changing that. The website I use for tracking allots me 1250 cals. per day. That works out to a theoretical loss of 1 lb per week. I've decided to lower that to 1/2 lb a week which allots 1470/ day. I figure a few more of the healthy nutrients goin' in can only help the cause. I was pretty focused towards the end there but as usual the stress of the last couple weeks caused me to under eat. I'm hoping that by jumping back in with both feet food-wise I can shake something loose. Namely a few pounds :)
Still not used to being blonde and CERTAINLY not used to people shouting out "hey blondie". Really? Well I guess it's a slight improvement over "carrot top" which I was forced to put up with in my formative years.
It felt weird to take a couple of days off from the blogging. I think "intermittent" would be the best way to describe it now :) Some things don't change tho... still just blathering ...
ttyl
As you can tell by the ticker my weight hasn't budged. I'm making a wee change in the hopes of changing that. The website I use for tracking allots me 1250 cals. per day. That works out to a theoretical loss of 1 lb per week. I've decided to lower that to 1/2 lb a week which allots 1470/ day. I figure a few more of the healthy nutrients goin' in can only help the cause. I was pretty focused towards the end there but as usual the stress of the last couple weeks caused me to under eat. I'm hoping that by jumping back in with both feet food-wise I can shake something loose. Namely a few pounds :)
Still not used to being blonde and CERTAINLY not used to people shouting out "hey blondie". Really? Well I guess it's a slight improvement over "carrot top" which I was forced to put up with in my formative years.
It felt weird to take a couple of days off from the blogging. I think "intermittent" would be the best way to describe it now :) Some things don't change tho... still just blathering ...
ttyl
Saturday, August 20, 2011
day one ? or where do I go from here...
Yesterday I celebrated with a most excellent group of friends. A very fun birthday :) Part of the fun was not having people recognize me with the new hair colour! Even my own mom...
Speaking of mom, she was being a bit of a trial last night. Pretty much par for the course. One of my friends saw that it was really getting to me and she said: "Cath, let it go - don't make this the hill you die on". What a fantastic way to put it. Immediately things got clearer and easier. God, it's cool to have smart friends.
Ah... where do I go from here? Does there need to be a next big thing , or can I just quietly follow the pursuits I have enjoyed this tremendous year. I think some time off might be warranted. This is really the first birthday I can remember where I haven't thought ok, this year I'm going to dot, dot, dot. I've done all the dot, dot, dots I set out to. I'm sure some overwhelming urge to do something will pop unbidden into my head but for right now I think a little "stay the course" is in order.
Here's a funny... even if you don't read the horoscope I'm gonna bet you pick it up on your birthday. You know the one: if today is your birthday blah blah blah. So I look at mine yesterday and amid all the other stuff it says, you may want to change your approach to diet and exercise. Well Hamilton Spectator syndicated horoscope column... you are day late and a dollar short :)
Speaking of mom, she was being a bit of a trial last night. Pretty much par for the course. One of my friends saw that it was really getting to me and she said: "Cath, let it go - don't make this the hill you die on". What a fantastic way to put it. Immediately things got clearer and easier. God, it's cool to have smart friends.
Ah... where do I go from here? Does there need to be a next big thing , or can I just quietly follow the pursuits I have enjoyed this tremendous year. I think some time off might be warranted. This is really the first birthday I can remember where I haven't thought ok, this year I'm going to dot, dot, dot. I've done all the dot, dot, dots I set out to. I'm sure some overwhelming urge to do something will pop unbidden into my head but for right now I think a little "stay the course" is in order.
Here's a funny... even if you don't read the horoscope I'm gonna bet you pick it up on your birthday. You know the one: if today is your birthday blah blah blah. So I look at mine yesterday and amid all the other stuff it says, you may want to change your approach to diet and exercise. Well Hamilton Spectator syndicated horoscope column... you are day late and a dollar short :)
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